You know that awkward moment when you and a perfect stranger happen to meet on the street, the two of you heading in opposite directions, and you both step the same way to go past? Then, invariably it turns out that each of you, thinking you’ll take control of the situation, go the opposite way, again in unison. Frustratingly, this Zoidberg scuttle sometimes continues til those proverbial cows (or is it lobsters?)come home. If this were the first act to be observed by visiting alien dignitaries I imagine they’d think one of two things; either 1) that it’s an elaborate mating dance/challenge, like bucks locking antlers to win the eyes of that prized white-rumped female.
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| Bambi's mom, such a fox....er, deer. |
Or 2) that humans are too stupid to find an answer to this issue. Seriously, it’s 2012 how have we not sorted this out yet?!?! We’re (by our own standards) highly intelligent mammals, so why can two dogs go past each other without looking like a they’re “sharing a moment” while we’re stuck awkwardly dancing like middle school kids at their first function? Perhaps the answer to this question will never be known, however, if you’re looking for a place to do research into this matter, I have just the place in mind; my current stomping grounds, Tokyo.
Arguably the world largest city, its metropolitan area plays host to more inhabitants than the entirety of the country of Australia. Likewise, within this complicated weave of concrete and plaster lies the busiest train station the world has ever known; Shinjuku station sees over 3 million commuters a day. When you consider the trains run from 5am to around 1 in the morning, that’s nearly 17,000 people a second, all heading to different places, following slightly different paths. This means there’s a lot of interaction and accordingly, a lot of synchronized shuffling. However, the final result of this shuck and jive is often little more than an embarrassed smile and an apology, after all Japanese people frequently list outward politeness on their cultural resume. But what happens when there’s a little stress added to the situation?
I have some students that frequently work until their last trains, but usually the rush for that final public transport of the night comes just after a social function. Time is put under even more duress by the drawn out formality of saying “good bye.” Is it just under 5 bows to show respect when departing from a group that’s older than you? One can never be sure, better make it six. Regardless, it’s not uncommon to see people making a dramatic dash for the last train’s doors, leaping discarded beer cans and onigiri wrappers in a single bound (which, I might add, is no small feat considering the scarcity of blood in many of their alcohol systems). Did I mention that every so often you glance upon one who looks like he’s putting his heart and soul into the impersonation of a dragon? Their faces are the color of new bricks, their gait is the unpracticed wobble of an inner ear shochu (local potato/rice hooch) typhoon, and their breath if only given the chance at flame, could illuminate worlds. About 2 weeks ago, coming home after a particularly late shift, I got the rare opportunity to observe not one, but two of these magnificently inebriated specimens just as their sidestepping shuffle began.
It started off in innocence, as it always does, but I could see with each successive attempt the participants growing more and more irritated. Lucky for me, I wasn’t in a rush (my last train leaves the station pretty late comparatively). So, I paused for a bit to watch the commotion unfold. It couldn’t have lasted more than 10 seconds in total, these missteps, but eventually one the men decided to drop the etiquette and just power through, shoving the other one aside. This is when the real fun started! The one who was pushed, probably in an alcoholic haze, momentarily forgot about the urgency of making it to his last train. He spun around on his heel and with two quick steps grabbed a handful of Pushy-san’s jacket collar. There was a struggle, a bout of intense eye contact, and half a dozen angry words levied, 90 percent of which I won’t even pretend to have understood. Picture a German exchange student trying to spot-translate a bar fight between two soccer hooligans. “Wat iz dis ‘poofter’ mean?” Yeah that was me, but if I had to dub the internet sensation the video surely would have become, there’s no doubt it’d include, “You’re mother probably has a face like a (埴輪顔) Haniwa clay figurine! Ha Ha!” In the end it didn’t come to blows but likely only because each realized the fight would cost 5,000 yen (taxi ride) and a few hours sleep if a police report had to be filed. Reality seeps back in, not even aspiring dragons are immune…
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| This guy's had his reality booster though. |
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| Oysters on a half-shell! |
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| Flower's wilt, the Buddha waits. |
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| Shijuku at night. |
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| Oh salmon nigiri, there's not enough of you in this world. |
